evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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