dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
