but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Randomize
