You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
