I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
