I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
