I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Randomize
