i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
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Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
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I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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