I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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