i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
