Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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