I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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