Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
