omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
