And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
my mouth tastes like poor choices
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
