I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
