he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize