Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
