When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
