Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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