i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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