Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize