White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
