it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
