Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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