I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
