You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Panties = found
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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