onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
