Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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