Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
