I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
