I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
