true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..