I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.