1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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