I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
As shirtless as possible
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
