i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
You made out with two different species that night
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
