There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
