U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
