Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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