I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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