I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
