I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Randomize
