Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
