Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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