Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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