I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
