he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
