the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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