It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
