Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
