____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
