Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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