i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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