i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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