I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
