yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
