I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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