Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
