weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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